Loss

Yesterday one of my co-workers committed suicide.  I saw him the day before, he gave me a big smile and told me he was doing great.  We always smiled when we saw each other.  If we had time, we talked about how things were going in our lives.  He always seemed happy and upbeat.  In fact seeing him was one of the bright spots in my day.  I, like everyone else was stunned by the news of his death by his own hand.

I was also angered at the news because I feel I failed him in some way.  I failed to notice that under the veneer of his smile was so much pain.  Pain I could have in some small way eased or lessen.  Pain I was oblivious to.  No one knows why he ended his most precious life, but we all reeled from the knowledge that he was gone.

I cannot turn back to Thursday and rewrite my last conversation with him, but can at least tell you what I wish I had said.  I wish I had told him how much I appreciated that he always took the time to smile at me and acknowledge our connection as workplace allies.  His warm hellos and inquiries as to my quality of my day were a tonic against the harsh realities of our jobs.  I would say to him I would miss him if he went away and so would many others.  I would tell him, as I am telling you, his life matters.

Supported

Had a tough week at work.  Actually, work has become stressful.  It always amazes me how one bad co-worker can truly f*** up a work environment.  Anyway, I asked for help from my boss and he not only helped, but gave me an inspiring pep talk. I almost cried from the support.  As I look at my up coming 3 year anniversary at the jail, I do not regret changing jobs.  A good boss is worth everything to me, everything but winning the lottery, that is.

Today I Became "The Man"

Maybe you know who the man is, or maybe you don't.  Wikipedia defines the phrases as, "The Man" is a slang phrase that may refer to the government or to some other authority in a position of power.  And it is meant not in a good way.  Really, I have no power at work, but today I felt like I was tricking everyone.  My new staff member started and was looking to me for guidance.  At one point I wanted to run screaming from the room, but I kept myself focused and tired to be the supervisor I wanted to work for.

However, there is another situation with a contractor, not on my team, which is testing me.  This woman treats me like the devil oppressor because I keep moving her stuff.  Granted it is not her stuff and really she is working in our designated area and...Yup, I have become the man.  I don't know if I will be able to accept this new side of myself.  Of course I could just throw myself in the pokey or the workhouse then I could complain about being oppressed by the man. 

Last Minute Catch Up

I really do try to blog at least once a week.  Apparently, August was the cruelest of months for blogging this year.  I had to cram three posts into the same week.  To be fair, I have had some personal things going on in my life that have distracted me from posting.  I have also had the drama of buying a new car, so I have been a busy woman.  I am hoping for things to slow down a little, after this weekend.  This weekend we are social butterflies (OK in our case more like social condors).  With that in mind I am trying to eek in one more blog post I have to do it now, while I am answering the phone for work.

(Yes, Mr I have already called 4 times today already, I can put Classic Rock of the 70s volume 4 on your request list.)

My knitting has not been going well right now, I am stuck on a sock pattern that is about to beat me.  I will blog about that when I either fail or succeed.  So nothing worth even posting photos of at this time.  Sorry I know you non knitters are dying to hear about the sock struggle.  But on the knitting front, I did find (be still my big girl heart) a plus size mannequin.  I found her on clearance at Jackman's.  I was so excited as I marched out of the store carrying my new purchase like a kid who just got a new bike.  I have yet to use it, but just owning one makes me feel all important and full of myself.  After the Ao Tank I discovered that having one of these could be very handy.

(No, Ms I never want to return anything, you can't keep Twilight Breaking Dork, part 2 for another month.  It needs to be returned now others are waiting for it.)

I also got seduced by my friend at Dyeabolical Yarns (http://www.etsy.com/shop/DyeabolicalYarns).  She twittered about doing a special run of mini skeins.  I could not stop myself from ordering the special limited edition set.  When the package came in the mail, I was so tickled with the mini skeins of yarn, I must have played with them for an hour.  I kept rearranging the colors and imaging all the hexipuffs I would knit with them . 

(Thank you for calling...is it time to go home yet?)

Like I said busy month.