I Miss My Dad

I miss my dad, I know that is not a surprise for anyone who has been around me of late.  Today it is particularly hard, today he would have been his 69th birthday.  My dad hated his birthday, he hated getting older, and he really hated us reminding him of it.  On his 40th birthday the neighbor lady helped me make him a blackberry cobbler and I made a big sign and put it up over the door so everyone would know it was his special day.  I waited impatiently to surprise him with dinner and cobbler.  He drove up in his big tool truck and got out looking up at the sign.  I saw the look on his face and knew I had made a terrible mistake.  The extra large 40, mortified him.  I saw him swallow his humiliation and eat my horrid dinner followed by the cobbler, my only success that night.  I never made birthday signs or cobbler again.

I think the birthday sign truly does epitomize the relationship my dad and I had.  We just never really understood each other.  I thought he would love the fuss over him, because I do.  Dad never wanted to be at the center of the party, he wanted to stand on the porch and drink his beer.  Me I love to be in thick of it, laughing the loudest.  My dad and I were just so radically different from one another.  I don't think my dad ever really had a clue what I did for a paycheck.  He also never understood why I would grow up to be a lesbian.  But like the sign he would notice the difference and then choose to ignore it.  He loved me and that is what mattered to him.

We worked at finding that middle ground and avoiding those moments of oppositions.  When we first found out he was sick all we could say to one another was how much we loved each other.  I made sure to tell him what a good dad he had been and how lucky I was to have had him in my life.  He looked at me with tears in his and eyes and I knew for once we understood each other nothing more needed to be said.

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Today I am sad, trying to accept my loss.  My life goes on, I  pay bills, go to work, knit, and participate in a world that continues to revolve ignoring my petty struggles.  I just keep looking for a place on that common ground, a place where my dad and I found peace.