Thursday, April 24, 2008

Cruel or Thoughtless

Again I am using an animal photo, sorry it just seemed appropriate since I am going to discuss being an ass.
Wednesday night I did something cruel and I am trying somehow to find some spot remover for my karma. Another self revelation which shows me not at my best. I found myself playing Library Survivor with a co-worker. We picked teams and decided who were the better workers and who we didn't want on our hypothetical teams. I must admit like any work place you have the people who work and people who work at not working. One co-worker is particular good at weaseling out of assigned duties. This is not my issue and I need to remember not to let his/her performance effect my own. But sometimes it irks me and last night was one of those nights. Hence the survivor game. Mid-way through my team picking I realized how horrid it was to be involved in such a stupid thing. I kept trying to extract myself from the game, but my co-worker insisted we continue. She got louder as I tried (in vain) to get quieter and more adult. It sucked and I got sucked future into the vortex of cruelty. If I had heard two co-workers deciding who were worthies and who weren't, I know I would have been hurt. I loathe myself when I spin out of control.
I thought was I intentionally cruel or just thoughtless and which is actually worse? Intentional cruelty at least shows an awareness to yourself and others. You intend to lash out, and usually you focus your spite on a designated target. But the thoughtless jabber with no regard to who you are singling out for barbs is less appealing to me. I like most of my co-workers they are good people who deserve respect and consideration, especially since so many have been so kind to me as I have learned my job there. Mostly, I am disgusted with myself and will wear this lapse in judgement like a Scarlet A (for Ass) and hope to be better. I truly do always hope to be a better version of myself. I want to be the grinning face of the dog, not the ass end of a mutt.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Cat Fur Fotsam

Okay, I apologize for posting about one of my cats. I try not to because well cats are like kids, only interesting to the owners. BUT I will make an exception this once. To the right is my cat, Grasshopper. She is an older cat (and we never discuss a ladies age) so her coat gets a little, alright a lot, matted. She is such a diva that I can't get near her with a comb or scissors. Usually, I come back with a bloodied appendage when I try. This week she went to the spa and got a new do. As in the short and sassy look. The trim transmogrifies her personality. Her normally aloof demeanor falls away and she becomes Miss Congenility. It is kind of weird almost like getting a new cat. I think my favorite thing about the cut, called the lion cut, is the tuft at the end of her tail. It makes every swish a statement of epic proportions. I love how soft the shourn fur feels, like she has a velvet suit on. Anyway, I promise not to go overboard with kitty posts. And for the knitters out there I will not be having the removed fur spun into yarn so I can knit something sappy out of it. That is just a little to weird and cat fur smells funky when it is wet anyway. She was being very difficult about being photographed. I did not get a very good picture of her tuft, but I think you can get an idea from these shots. Next month my cat Dante gets the spa treatment, I wonder what it will do to his personality.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tempest in a Pot of Pasta

Tonight was such a good night. After a long day of helping barely sentient beings get tax forms it was wonderful to sit down to a good meal with a good friend. We met at Stellina's
on Watson down from my beloved Knitorious. The evening was almost perfect, the one exception was I wanted lasagna and was too early for the gooey goodness of that treat. So I settled for the whole wheat walnut tagliatelle with asparagus, red peppers, and fresh mozzarella in an oil butter garlic sauce. They use a lot of adjectives to describe fat pasta with cheeses and veggies, but it was really worth all of those words. Stellina's has a small menu based on daily specials so everything is so fresh it just melts in your mouth. And this was no exception, the asparagus was so tasty all I could do was say, "Yummy!"
In between bites of delicious goodness I dished with my friend. My relationship with Lady D is well different hence the D. We worked together for 7 plus years in the hallowed decrepitude of silly hall. We got along fairly well and she was probably one of my co-workers I most respected with her direct honesty and a practicality that I envied. It was funny after years of working side by side with her I somehow feel we actually have been closer since I left. I think it might be that a shared diversity will make people closer. Unfortunatley, she still works at silly hall. We dished and dished and well, dished. She caught me up on the gossip at the Collector's office and I caught her up with the zaniness of my new job. We laughed, I sniffled, and we ate damn good pasta. Sometimes I need to be reminded that leaving my job there was not because I was a bad or lazy person. Lady D always helps to illuminate that it was not about me, but that the new administration is less than fair and ran like a high school student council instead of a county office. I would be doing horribly if I still worked there.
So I say, bring on the zaniness of the library, this is just a phase thing are already better than they were a year ago. And to add to the fabulousness, now I can knit. Finally, the bonus was my friend even picked up the tab for dinner. Thank you Lady D, but your company was the best part of the evening.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Case of the Runaway Yarn

I would like to think of myself as cool and hip, that strangers see me as I wander through their lives as this unique dash of green fabulousness. It is a terrible thing when that careful bubble of delusion is busted. Fate or the gods of humility painfully remind me that I am just a graceless dork.

Thursday night is my girls night with my favorite person, my Cuz. We do dinner, yarn stores, and a book barn. We vary our activities, but essentially that is our evening. This week we meet at Dewey's because we love the half and half pizza concept there. I was sitting in a chair waiting for a table happily just knitting along on my dishrag when we were called to the table. I was mid-stitch so rather than stop I got up and blithely walked to the table knitting the last few stitches.

In my mind I saw this image of myself brilliantly walking across the crowded dining room, knitting, inspiring those who saw me to admire my skill and self assurance. I was almost at the table and something tugged at my arm. I looked down to see I had spilled my knitting bag and my yarn was winding through the tables taunt on my needles. YIKES!!! I might have made a bigger fool of myself had not my Cuz dutifully followed behind me rolling up the unraveled ball. Oh yeah I am so smooth! In the end the only damage was to my self esteem.

Hubris is an ugly thing.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The Ugly/Beautiful Truth

Recently someone told me I was beautiful. The sentiment was meant with all sincerity, but I just could not quite wrap my mind around the idea. I felt very ugly inside, full of anger and resentment. Not one of my more stellar days. I wanted to in some way punish this person for being so dear when I myself had no kindness inside me. I have always felt that beauty is one of of those things that is about your spirit and your soul not about the fairness of your form. Some of the most beautiful people I have meet would not make it far in a "beauty" pageant.
The words, “‘Beauty is truth, truth beauty’—that is all / Ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know” from John Keats Ode on a Grecian Urn rang over and over in my head like a mantra.
I kept thinking, "No truth is not beauty, truth can be ugly and hurtful. Keats was an idiot" (okay not really just maybe too naive for my taste). The phrase ugly truth comes to mind. Truth can be so ugly sometimes we can't face it. I think a nice white lie might be preferable, which brings me back to being called beautiful.

I can be beautiful sometimes, I can be beautiful in spirit and intentions. I can truly want to be the best version of myself. The version that is kind and wants to help people and see only the rosy glow of goodness. Today just happened to not be that day. Maybe today I was just not worthy of the word. Or maybe I should have just been polite and accepted the praise for my fair visage and let it go. But if truth is beauty than the truth is today I was a beautiful bitch and you know I just might be the same thing tomorrow. Notice how in this painting even Keats looks perplexed.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Oh Where, Oh Where has my Knitting Needle Gone?

Sorry that I have not blogged in a week. I have been very busy taking care of dogs(the Taters). And unlike the very smart Grommet to the right here they don't knit and they hate it when I knit even if I am knitting for them. So not only was I busy, but I have not been able to get much knitting done. Who knew that knitting would become like my religion? I feel lost when I don't get to work on my project. Couple that with the fact that one of my cherished crystal place 8 needles went missing. Like it went on a holiday without me. A crisis more important than the current gas prices in my small corner of South City.
Last week my dear Cuz and I went to Edwardsville to check out a LYS that we had yet to visit, Knit 1, Weave 2. It was a very sweet shop with lots of yarn and large group of knitters drinking wine and being raucous while they knitted. The owner was very helpful and even gave me a discount on my purchase. The shop was much smaller than my beloved Knitorious and not at all convenient to get too, but diverting and enjoyable.
Afterwards we went down the street (Main Street to be exact) to Bigelow's, a restaurant my boss suggested. Obviously, it was a personal favorite of her family because her boyfriend was casually standing at the bar when I walked in. The baked potato soup was not very good, more like runny mash potatoes, but the blue cheese dip and the chicken corlene were very yummy. So yummy in fact that in my frenzy of eating I lost a knitting needle. It must have fallen out of my bag. Worst yet I didn't notice the needle was missing until the next day. Like some big dork I called my boss and asked her to ask her boyfriend (who it turns out works next door to Bigelow's) to please see about retrieving the needle. After some embarrassment on my part she assured me it was no problem.
Okay, no problem, but I impatiently waited until Wednesday for her to return my crystal palace needle. It was agonizing to know I didn't have time to knit and even if I wanted to, I was one needle shy of a project. But thankfully, my boss was a sweetie about it, and all is well that knits wells.