Cruel or Thoughtless

Again I am using an animal photo, sorry it just seemed appropriate since I am going to discuss being an ass.

Wednesday night I did something cruel and I am trying somehow to find some spot remover for my karma. Another self revelation which shows me not at my best. I found myself playing Library Survivor with a co-worker. We picked teams and decided who were the better workers and who we didn't want on our hypothetical teams. I must admit like any work place you have the people who work and people who work at not working. One co-worker is particular good at weaseling out of assigned duties. This is not my issue and I need to remember not to let his/her performance effect my own. But sometimes it irks me and last night was one of those nights. Hence the survivor game. Mid-way through my team picking I realized how horrid it was to be involved in such a stupid thing. I kept trying to extract myself from the game, but my co-worker insisted we continue. She got louder as I tried (in vain) to get quieter and more adult. It sucked and I got sucked future into the vortex of cruelty. If I had heard two co-workers deciding who were worthies and who weren't, I know I would have been hurt. I loathe myself when I spin out of control.

I thought was I intentionally cruel or just thoughtless and which is actually worse? Intentional cruelty at least shows an awareness to yourself and others. You intend to lash out, and usually you focus your spite on a designated target. But the thoughtless jabber with no regard to who you are singling out for barbs is less appealing to me. I like most of my co-workers they are good people who deserve respect and consideration, especially since so many have been so kind to me as I have learned my job there. Mostly, I am disgusted with myself and will wear this lapse in judgement like a Scarlet A (for Ass) and hope to be better. I truly do always hope to be a better version of myself. I want to be the grinning face of the dog, not the ass end of a mutt.