As you dear reader know I have been working very hard to deal with the grief of losing my father. I feel I am doing better. So much better that I stopped seeing a therapist in June. I am remembering my dad and talking about him more without my throat starting to close up and tears springing to my eyes. If I were to give myself a grade, I was say I am at a B.
That is not to say I don't think about my dad and miss him, I do everyday. I can still see his face and I remember the sound of his voice. I think the problem is sometimes I forget that he is gone. Last night I dreamed about my dad. I dreamed my phone rang and when I answered the phone I could hear his voice saying my name over and over again like he could not hear me. The dream was so real I woke up crying, "Dad, I'm here!" I was startled and immediately grabbed my phone to call him back. It wasn't until I got to my contacts list that I discovered I had no listing for "Dad." It was then I remembered I would need a much more powerful network to call him.
Those moments are hard. Very hard. I have to re-experience the trauma of loss all over again. I feel like all the air has rushed out of my lungs and I can't breath. I think it must be the same for most us in dealing with grief. As much as it hurts today I got up and went to work and pasted on that fake everything is good smile and went on with my life. However, a part of me wishes I hadn't woke up and I could have just heard my dad talk to me just a little longer. Yes, I still miss my dad.