Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dreaming About My Dad

As you dear reader know I have been working very hard to deal with the grief of losing my father.  I feel I am doing better.  So much better that I stopped seeing a therapist in June.  I am remembering my dad and talking about him more without my throat starting to close up and tears springing to my eyes.  If I were to give myself a grade, I was say I am at a B. 

That is not to say I don't think about my dad and miss him, I do everyday.  I can still see his face and I remember the sound of his voice.  I think the problem is sometimes I forget that he is gone.  Last night I dreamed about my dad.  I dreamed my phone rang and when I answered the phone I could hear his voice saying my name over and over again like he could not hear me.  The dream was so real I woke up crying, "Dad, I'm here!"  I was startled and immediately grabbed my phone to call him back.  It wasn't until I got to my contacts list that I discovered I had no listing for "Dad." It was then I remembered I would need a much more powerful network to call him.

Those moments are hard.  Very hard.  I have to re-experience the trauma of loss all over again.  I feel like all the air has rushed out of my lungs and I can't breath.  I think it must be the same for most us in dealing with grief.  As much as it hurts today I got up and went to work and pasted on that fake everything is good smile and went on with my life.  However, a part of me wishes I hadn't woke up and I could have just heard my dad talk to me just a little longer.  Yes,  I still miss my dad.


anitak76 said...

*hugs* I understand how difficult such a loss can be but also that each loss is differently experienced. I'm here if you ever need a shoulder.

Tempest ina Pot of Tea said...

Thank you Anita. I feel I am really doing better, and like I said we all experience grief. I just need to work through some of those mental landminds. I was very glad to see you Monday night thanks for coming.