Sunday, November 17, 2013

Day 17: What I did with My Winter Break

My winter break fell into a pattern of going out with Randy and sleepovers with Natalie.  Every time Natalie showed up I was surprised that this fun person wanted to spend time with me.  It was exciting and so was she.  I found I thought about her when she wasn't around and anticipated the next time we would be together.

One night I at her grandmother's we were asleep in Natalie's double bed. I woke up with her cuddled around me. I disengaged myself not really thinking anything about it.  Besides her bedroom was so cold, it was warmer when we slept close.  I did mention it to her the next day and she got very embarrassed.  She told me, did not remember doing that in her sleep.  Later Natalie told me she lied, she had wanted to hold me and pretended to be asleep.

Another time I was getting dressed and I turned around just in time to catch her watching me.  I know for a brief second I stopped and stared back.  She turned away laughing and said she was sorry.  I was so naïve then that I did not even give it a second thought. I found it heady to be spending so much time with someone who seemed to be interested in what I had to say.  Not only that but, Natalie made me laugh all my cares away.

Though I did not know it or give it a name, I was developing a crush on Natalie.  I had not thought about being a lesbian before, but over the years there had been attachments to some of my best friends.  Nothing had ever happened, but I had known my feelings were not normal best friend feelings.  I had learned to not talk about it because none of my other friends expressed these deep attachments for other girls.  It made me feel different and like I did not belonged with my peers. When I developed similar feelings toward Natalie, it just seemed the normal progression of a friendship for me.  Also, I could not imagine Natalie would reciprocate my feelings.  I truly was a very clueless young woman.

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