Saturday, November 23, 2013
Day 23: The Cavalry
I spent the day in my room thinking about what had happened. My brain was awash with all her kisses and sweet words. Sometimes, I would have to sit down and take a few deep breaths to continue with whatever task I was trying to accomplish. Reality would start to break in, I loved Randy, I wanted to marry him after college, I had a plan. I know it may sound silly to some, but for the first time in my life I felt like I had finally found the right niche for me. In many ways I felt like I was home when I was with her. As naive as I was I knew the world I lived in had no tolerance for homosexuality. If I continued to be with Natalie, I would lose my friends, my family, and all I was working to achieve. I was she worth that, I asked myself.
Later that afternoon as it began to snow another drama overtook my life. My mother and I had a difficult relationship at that time. It is not that either of us were bad to the other, but a lifetime of struggling against each other came to a head. We fought bitterly, which ended with both of us hurt and needing to be away from one another. Truly this fight was the last big fight we ever had, we may disagree now, but nothing even close to that explosion. I called Natalie in tears and without a thought to the weather she came to retrieve me.
Like the cavalry she had come to my aid without even knowing what she was rescuing me from. She just knew I was crying as if my heart was breaking and I needed her. The weather had turned from snow flurries to heavy snow with icy road conditions, but still she came. I remember just throwing my bag in the car and leaving. I left a note saying I was gone and that was it.
Something I should say now, Natalie is a very good driver. Regardless of the situation she pays attention to the road and rarely speeds or even changes lanes without using her blinker. I was crying, the visibility was poor, the roads slick, and she did managed all of those things while driving a stick in a compact car. The drive back to her house must have been brutal for her, but she stayed the course. We made it to her place in one piece and my tears had finally dried up.
We spent three days snowed in at her grandmother's house. Our nights were spent exploring the gift of each others bodies and the days were spent helping her grandmother around the house. We learned so much about each other during that snowbound week. I found out she read voraciously and sometimes she had nightmares. She learned about my struggle with my mother and that I could be very sharp witted. I think if there was any doubt in my mind about my feelings for Natalie, these cold days together removed them. We were in love with no clue on what to do with it, but to just keep living in our stolen moments together figuring out the rest as it got there.