Sunday, November 24, 2013

Day 24: Hairy Mary

When I finally came home with Natalie after my self-imposed exile my mom and I had to make up.  I remember it was one of the first times my mom saw me as an adult.  This fight and the reconciliation was Natalie's introduction to the drama of my family.  She weathered it well then, she weathers it well now.

Again, Natalie stayed with me that night and we ended up having a third join us, my erstwhile boyfriend, Randy.  As I have said before Natalie and Randy knew each other fairly well.  I felt awkward with both of them together.  I had such strong feelings for them.  I kept trying to decide which one of them I should be with.  Both of them had so much to offer, but in different ways.  Randy had societal acceptance on his side, but the connection I was finding with Natalie was enticing. 

The three of us drove around for awhile and ended with a joint.  Okay, put that up there with more sins of my youth, but yes, I did on a few occasions smoke dope.  I know drug use is wrong and I would like to tell you I didn't inhale, but I can't.  We found a gravel road and the three got out of the car and passed the joint around until it was just the end.  For some reason, I can't imagine what, we could not remember what to call the end of the joint.  Randy had the end and we just kept saying, "Swallow the bug Randy."  He did, peer pressure can be ugly.

After we got high we went back to my house and played trivial pursuit.  It was the most difficult game of trivial pursuit I ever played.  Natalie got a card that asked something like, "Who was Margaretha Geertruida Zelle better known as?"

Natalie knew the answer, but in her befuddled mind she couldn't get it quite right.  She kept looking at Randy and saying, "Hairy Mary, Hata Mary, no, no, it is Mary something."

Randy and I just looked at her shaking our head in agreement to whatever she said.  It goes without saying that drugs make you stupid.  In the end we were too high to  even play trivial pursuit.  We gave up on the game and all three us passed out on the living room floor.  I was laying on the floor between the two of them trying to decide which one to turn to.  I wanted them both, but knew I could only have one.  The sticking point kept coming down to acceptance.  Acceptance of my desire to be with a woman or the desire of acceptance from the world I lived in.  I was so conflicted that night.

Randy ended up spending the night and sleeping on the couch.  Natalie slept all tangled up with me on my twin bed.  The sleeping arrangement seem to decide the outcome of my dilemma. In the morning both of them left and I would not see Randy again for many months.  He would write to me and we would talk on the phone, but my plan to marry him after graduation was gone.  Once I had my taste for that feeling of completeness I found with Natalie, I just could not give it up.

No comments: